Scientists have discovered cockroaches get doddery in their old age, just like humans. In the first detailed study of insect ageing, researchers found that the bugs' joints seize up and they have trouble walking up hills. American scientists noticed that cockroaches that survive into old age reduce the time they spend moving around by about 40 per cent.
When the team put the insects on a mini treadmill, adults that had reached the ripe old age of 60 weeks took half as many steps per second as one-week old individuals. Many of the old timers developed a stumbling gait as their front foot caught on their second leg.
Angela Ridgel, who led the study at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland, Ohio, America, says, "It happens every couple of steps. It does slow them down." The constant tripping happened because the insects' joints had stiffened up. By 65 weeks old, more than 80 per cent of the cockroaches were tripping over themselves. Old cockroaches also did badly at climbing a 45 degree slope. While all the younger insects managed the task, 58 per cent of the older ones failed. (NY Times)
Cockroach Crunch by Perry Estelle
Did you know that a cockroach is one of the most anti-social and aggressive species on the planet? It is also the laziest. It spends three quarters of life wanting a ‘ruck’ and the rest of its time skiving. They even, look like yobs in there pretend leather jackets and with a ‘nare-do–well’ swagger.
Also, a cockroach can squeeze its frame into a hairline crack or the thickness of a small coin.
So then, what you have here, is a violent insect who knows where to hide.
The dialogue would be:
“Fancy a fight?”
“Ok, wake me up, in ten.”
Only the other day I answered the door to a six foot cockroach with a machete. He was very abusive and called me names. I wish I had known beforehand a nasty bug was going around. If you hated that joke then you won’t like the rest of this article either.
Ahh! Poor roaches! Getting old! What are we humans supposed to do? Whenever my wife sees the little suckers she ages 20 years anyway. Found one the other day. Now, we are told if you find one there are at least 300 in the rest of the colony on your premises. Now, scientist have done a lot of expensive compassionate research on the critters getting aches and pains. I’ll remember that when one drops in my mouth when I’m snoring and starts using my epiglottis as a punchbag.!
Maybe I should make little day care centres out of my young daughter’s doll’s house? Where am I going to find other qualified cockroaches to condust a care role to their species, who have any with free uniforms and meals on duty? What chemist is going to dispense controlled drugs that cockroaches can take orally? Should I paint ‘hundreds and thousands’ sugar candy, with morphine, or let them suck laxative from a Johnson’s baby bud? Imagine the sketch on this:
“Have you been a good boy, Mr Cockroach? Or, do I have to fetch the thimble and tweezers again.”
“Do you want me to push you closer to the window,? Hang on, Let me just use my ‘moving and handling’ skills to manoeuvre you on this toy Sylvanian pram. Don’t eat all the whole biscuits. Take some of the broken ones, or I won’t let you phone your daughter before lights out, you ungrateful old bugger.”
My own research bears out that female cockroaches are ‘cows’ and the males are called “Rams.”(Why is it we only do ‘research’ or become interested in things like ‘infestation’ when we are directly affected by such dramas? Before this invasion, I could not care less about cockroaches. Now I care even less!)
The male title of ‘Ram’ conjures up images of a very virile insect. Well, yes and no. They only have to mate with a female once to keep her pregnant for her entire life. What the hell happens if she misses a period! She will be well and truly F......ertilised in that case! (sorry)
But the male does a neat job of fertilisation, presenting the sperm in a sort of ‘giftwrapping’ that is full of tasty protein and nutrients for the prospective Mother to eat. Makes a change from hearing, “Ugggh …it tastes and looks, like bloody glue.”
Cockroaches give kids asthma, but will keep babies amused for hours. Children over four will spend all the day looking for the remote control.
Here is a specimen of largest cockroach in the world. It is found in South America and is six inches long with a one foot wingspan.
If you should ever stumble across one like the above, my advice would be this. If you see this creature, stay calm, walk up to it very slowly, whispering words of reassurance, and then let it share your pizza.
According to recent studies a cockroach would survive 800 times more radiation than humans. Proving that Hiroshima was no answer to the roach problem.
Most flourish in hot, damp regions like Asia, Florida
In a nuclear holocaust, these robust armour plated pests could carry on, even if one survived a direct hit and had his little head blown off. Experts say, that it will take a week to die, and only then will it die of thirst because the mouth is missing. I don’t understand. The above news flash tells us that they are more worried about getting up stairs or using the Internet.
“I’ve got no head, but I’m more concerned about my joints. Why don’t they make Ralgex in my size?”
Or,
“Oh, jeepers! There goes another 1000 megaton bomb. Well, never mind that. I can do bombs. It’s my physiotherapist asking me to use the treadmill, I’m dreading. If she knew how they have had to re-write the medical books ‘with my back’. I get numbness and pain all down one side, you know?”
Right. You sleep most of the day. Shag, eat and gang fight, but then end up moaning about having to climb stairs?
Carol: “How was your day, dear husband?”
Colin: “Oh, got into a fight down the pub latrine, as you do. I cornered him up one end. Then I had sex with some cockroach who was quite literally curb-crawling and then I fell asleep in some vomit.”
Carol: “Quiet night, then?”
Apparently, these hardy species have been on the earth for 400 million years. They only for a year, yet you can’t get rid of them? 400 million years ago (It’s funny why these evolutionists just bung the zeros on. Why can’t they say “400 million years ago on a Leap year, not including bank holidays?”) Curry houses didn’t exist, so where did they live? Did they just say?
“Fancy coming around for bite, Colin?”
“Great idea, Chris. What’s for dinner?”
“Well, I thought we could get a takeaway.”
“Oh, haven’t you got any grub in already?”
“Don’t be silly, I’ve got bugger-all, but some molten lava soup in my dead tree.”
“Can’t we just eat a bit of bark off the walls?”
“No, no I don’t want you eating me out of house and home. Let’s find a Curry house?”
“Don’t talk poop, it’s 400 million years B.C on Ash Wednesday. We won’t get a curry around here.”
“Oh, well fancy something hotter than a Madras
“Yeah, how about some molten lava soup?”
Now, there are 5000 species of cockroach and they all have six legs enabling them to walk as fast as 3km an hour. Big deal! I have only two legs and can almost manage that.
They have eighteen knees. But they also produce many young in one go so they will come in handy with telling bedtime stories. They also have the added advantage of being able to kneel down readily, should they need to pray or become knighted, play footy and still dribble effectively.
It is virtually impossible to wipe out cockroaches because they are like Jehovah’s Witnesses. Convinced they will survive Armageddon. Irritating, and persistent. Thick-skinned and always trying to get in your house. With eighteen knees they will easily get their foot in the door. One exception must be highlighted. Jehovah’s Witnesses could live much longer than a week without a head, as they have not used their brains for years.
A cockroach with special antennae
You can step on a cockroach and watch a milky splodge, spurt out. It’s fat. It lives off this fat using it as an energy deriving store. So, after one good meal, it can live without food for the rest of its 28 day life. These tough little townies have no concept of time. We can all see how much they have to accomplish in one day and yet, all they want to do is loll about. If I had only a year to live, I would hope to achieve more than just gorging myself on fast food and making love in between naps. On, second thoughts?
One would hope they would get a regular job, or at least get one of their mates to put some ‘feelers’ out.
(On the other hand?)
The cockroach can easily digest wood. Making oral sex relatively easy.
Cockroaches are omnivores. This means they will put anything in their mouth. No need to expand on that!
Mr and Mrs Cockroach. Guess who Mr Cockroach is? The clue is in the first four letters of his name.
Did you know that one pair of German cockroaches can give life to millions of young? Where are they going to invade next? (don't mention the war!)
The largest of cockroaches are in the US. No surprise, there!
Health and Safety?
Always keep cockroaches at arms length.
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